Bliss Carman, et al., eds. The World’s Best Poetry. 1904.

Humorous Poems: II. Miscellaneous

The Recruit

Robert William Chambers (1865–1933)

SEZ Corporal Madden to Private McFadden:

“Bedad, yer a bad ’un!

Now turn out yer toes!

Yer belt is unhookit,

Yer cap is on crookit,

Ye may not be dhrunk,

But, be jabers, ye look it!

Wan—two!

Ye monkey-faced divil, I ’ll jolly ye through!

Wan—two!—

Time! Mark!

Ye march like the aigle in Cintheral Parrk!”

Sez Corporal Madden to Private McFadden:

“A saint it ud sadden

A dhrill such a mug!

Eyes front!—ye baboon, ye!—

Chin up!—ye gossoon, ye!

Ye ’ve jaws like a goat—

Halt! ye leather-lipped loon, ye!

Wan—two!

Ye whiskered orang-outang, I ’ll fix you!

Wan—two!

Time! Mark!

Ye ’ve eyes like a bat!—can ye see in the dark?”

Sez Corporal Madden to Private McFadden:

“Yer figger wants padd’n’—

Sure, man ye ’ve no shape!

Behind ye yer shoulders

Stick out like two bowlders;

Yer shins is as thin

As a pair of pen-holders!

Wan—two!

Yer belly belongs on yer back, ye Jew!

Wan—two!—

Time! Mark!

I ’m dhry as a dog—I can’t shpake but I bark!”

Sez Corporal Madden to Private McFadden:

“Me heart it ud gladden

To blacken yer eye.

Ye ’re gettin’ too bold, ye

Compel me to scold ye,—

’T is halt! that I say,—

Will ye heed what I told ye?

Wan—two!

Be jabers, I ’m dhryer than Brian Boru!

Wan—two!—

Time! Mark!

What ’s wur-ruk for chickens is sport for the lark!”

Sez Corporal Madden to Private McFadden:

“I ’ll not stay a gadd’n

Wid dagoes like you!

I ’ll travel no farther,

I ’m dyin’ for—wather;—

Come on, if ye like,—

Can ye loan me a quather?

Ya-as, you,

What,—two?

And ye ’ll pay the potheen? Ye ’re a daisy! Whurroo!

You ’ll do!

Whist! Mark!

The Rigiment’s flatthered to own ye, me spark!”

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