C.D. Warner, et al., comp. The Library of the World’s Best Literature.
An Anthology in Thirty Volumes. 1917.
On the Dreyfus Case
By Finley Peter Dunne (1867–1936)
“I
“I hope they won’t,” said Mr. Hennessy. “I don’t know annything about it, but I think he’s guilty. He’s a Jew.”
“Well,” said Mr. Dooley, “ye’er thoughts on this subject is inthrestin’, but not conclusive, as Dorsey said to th’ Pollack that thought he cud lick him. Ye have a r-right to ye’er opinyon, an’ ye’ll hold it annyhow, whether ye have a r-right to it or not. Like most iv ye’er fellow-citizens, ye start impartial. Ye don’t know annything about th’ case. If ye knew annything, ye’d not have an opinyon wan way or th’ other. They’se niver been a matther come up in my time that th’ American people was so sure about as they ar-re about th’ Dhry-fuss case. Th’ Frinch ar-re not so sure, but they’se not a polisman in this counthry that can’t tell ye jus’ where Dhry-fuss was whin th’ remains iv th’ poor girl was found. That’s because th’ thrile was secret. If ’twas an open thrile, an’ ye heerd th’ tisti-mony, an’ knew th’ language, an’ saw th’ safe afther ’twas blown open, ye’d be puzzled, an’ not care a rush whether Dhry-fuss was naked in a cage or takin’ tay with his uncle at th’ Benny Brith Club.
“I haven’t made up me mind whether th’ Cap done th’ shootin’ or not. He was certainly in th’ neighborhood whin th’ fire started, an’ th’ polis dug up quite a lot iv lead pipe in his back yard. But it’s wan thing to sus-pect a man iv doin’ a job an’ another thing to prove that he didn’t. Me frind Zola thinks he’s innocint, an’ he raised th’ divvle at th’ thrile. Whin th’ judge come up on th’ bench an’ opined th’ coort, Zola was settin’ down below with th’ lawyers. ‘Let us pro-ceed,’ says th’ impartial an’ fair-minded judge, ‘to th’ thrile iv th’ haynious monsther Cap Dhry-fuss,’ he says. Up jumps Zola, an’ says he in Frinch: ‘Jackuse,’ he says, which is a hell of a mane thing to say to anny man. An’ they thrun him out. ‘Judge,’ says th’ attorney f’r th’ difinse, ‘an’ gintlemen iv th’ jury,’ he says. ‘Ye’re a liar,’ says th’ judge. ‘Cap, ye’re guilty, an’ ye know it,’ he says. ‘Th’ decision iv th’ coort is that ye be put in a cage, an’ sint to th’ Divvle’s own island f’r th’ r-rest iv ye’er life,’ he says. ‘Let us pro-ceed to hearin’ th’ tisti-mony,’ he says. ‘Call all th’ witnesses at wanst,’ he says, ‘an’ lave thim have it out on th’ flure,’ he says. Be this time Zola has come back; an’ he jumps up, an’, says he, ‘Jackuse,’ he says. An’ they thrun him out.
“‘Befure we go anny farther,’ says th’ lawyer f’r th’ difinse, ‘I wish to sarve notice that, whin this thrile is over, I intind,’ he says, ‘to wait outside,’ he says, ‘an’ hammer th’ hon’rable coort into an omelet,’ he says. ‘With these few remarks I will close,’ he says. ‘Th’ coort,’ says th’ judge, ‘is always r-ready to defind th’ honor iv France,’ he says; ‘an’, if th’ larned counsel will con-sint,’ he says, ‘to step up here f’r a minyit,’ he says, ‘th’ coort’ll put a sthrangle hold on him that’ll not do him a bit iv good,’ he says. ‘Ah!’ he says. ‘Here’s me ol’ frind Pat th’ Clam,’ he says. ‘Pat, what d’ye know about this case?’ he says. ‘None iv ye’er business,’ says Pat. ‘Answered like a man an’ a sojer,’ says th’ coort. ‘Jackuse,’ says Zola fr’m th’ dureway. An’ they thrun him out. ‘Call Col. Hinnery,’ says th’ coort. ‘He ray-fuses to answer.’ ‘Good. Th’ case is clear. Cap forged th’ will. Th’ coort will now adjourn f’r dools, an’ all ladin’ officers iv th’ ar-rmy not in disgrace already will assimble in jail, an’ com-mit suicide,’ he says. ‘Jackuse,’ says Zola, an’ started f’r th’ woods, pursued be his fellow-editors. He’s off somewhere in a three now hollerin’ ‘Jackuse’ at ivry wan that passes, sufferin’ martyrdom f’r his counthry an’ writin’ now an’ thin about it all.
“That’s all I know about Cap Dhry-fuss’ case, an’ that’s all anny man knows. Ye didn’t know as much, Hinnissy, till I told ye. I don’t know whether Cap stole th’ dog or not.”
“What’s he charged with?” Mr. Hennessy asked, in bewilderment.
“I’ll niver tell ye,” said Mr. Dooley. “It’s too much to ask.”
“Well, annyhow,” said Mr. Hennessy, “he’s guilty, ye can bet on that.”